Uncle's Digest - issue #1
BREAKFAST! THE MOST IMPORTANT DRINK OF THE DAY!
Only d-bags pay $20 for breakfast at the local egg hole. I mean, haven't you been to the Safeway? Eggs are like, a buck for 8! Something like that. You know how many Luckys you can buy for $20? FIFTEEN. That's how many.
Worse still. An hour after your "traditional" breakfast, all you'll want to do is take off your good day sweats, put on your couch sweats and have a snoozer. With Luckys, that won't happen until 9 or 10 are crushed. Leaving 5 or 6 breakfast beers for supper!
You do the math.
As for drinking on the go: TACT is what you're looking for. TACT is just a shirts tucked in way of saying SNEAKY. You've got to be sneaky my friends. A couple suggestions. Our friends at Amazon sell these genius "Hide A Beer" sody pop covers.
Which are cool BUT...
Why not just drink an actual sody pop, then fill it with whatever fun liquid you want? Building a deck? Fill er with whiskey. Job interview? Fill er with wine. Going to apply for winter EI? Fill er with microwaved Baileys. Your kid's birthday party? Fill er with a different flavour of sody pop and freak out the kids when you share them your sips (then drink your breakfast Luckys in the van while everyone plays pin the tail on your baby mama's new husband ).
10 WEDDING PRESENTS FOR UNDER $10
1. Scratchy tickets - give them the gift of unlimited POSSIBILITIES. (www.macs.ca)
2. Extendable Back Scratcher - Check out this bad boy from the good folks at Light In The Box. It's adjustable in case you have a super long back, or tine t-rex arms. + who would doubt the validity of this shining 5 STAR review from pistig, "It Super Tool. I Really Like."
3. Bag of his & hers Hanes T-Shirts - ain't it the sweetest when couples wear matching outfits? www.walmart.com
4. His and Hures fishin' Lures - Let 'em both know they're catches.
5. Marie Smith has helped me through more than a few hungry times. Get 'em this beauty and tell 'em to double up on all ingredients!
6. Mix Tape - nobody knows the ins n' outs of romance like uncle. I get so much action, I gotta replace my pull out couch every two years. I recommend overdubbing encouraging remarks over the instrumental breaks.
7. porn... (*no link could be supplied for this portion of the article)
8. 5 Pack - sneak'er a fiver of Lucky in whatever you call that room where the bride puts her fancy dress on. CLASSY.
9. KFC 15 Pack Family Feast - Only worry here is that everyone else at the wedding will think you're a big shot. If you can handle the jealous glances, I say do it
10. Move Out of Their Basement
Hope this helps.
Keep your Uncle game strong.
WEEKLY SEX COLUMN WITH UNCLE KEV.
Dear Uncle Kev,
I recently had this problem happen to me. What are the social obligations related to running into a one night stand, say, in a grocery store.
Awkward at Safeway Calgary, Alberta
EVERY sexual encounter starts as a one night stand. A one night stand is just a two night stand waiting to happen! They're sex caterpillars who want their wings. We say you low five in the frozen food section and bust that cocoon wide open. Unless you did some weird shit you'd both rather forget. Like glass coffee table brown squats or something. In that case, just read a soup label like it was your fav Dickens novel and wait til she (or he) vanishes into your mutual haze of regrets. Then go home and put on your Dudes LP. Rock the fuck out.